What's Really Going On Inside Other Couples' Bedroom

If there's one thing about steamy movies, it's that the sex is always perfect, raunchy and orgasmic. In real life, things are more down-to-earth -- this we intuitively know, but still we can't help but compare notes with reel-life sex.



Time to get real: If you knew what goes on behind other real-life couple's closed doors, you'd realize that your friends or neighbors don't make out like Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks, and probably face the same issues as you do. Here are the details they aren't telling:

"He finishes, like, in 60 seconds."

What you should know:

Premature ejaculation affects an estimated 30 percent of men, and most guys can actually only have intercourse for an average of two to five minutes. There's an obvious fix: Pull out and stop having sex for a few minutes to postpone orgasm. Domeena Renshaw, M.D., author ofSeven Weeks To Better Sex recommends this stop-and-start technique: Engage in foreplay until he almosts reaches orgasm, then stop, relax, hug, hold each other until his erection goes down. Then continue to the same point and stop again. If he ejaculates too soon, don't fret. "Take a break and try again in an hour or two," advises Renshaw, "Remember, the second erection lasts longer anyway."

"I don't climax during sex. And I feel like the only woman who can't."

What you should know:

The movies may have painted a different picture in which today's females are effortlessly orgasmic, but the fact is about 25 percent of women have trouble reaching orgasm during sex. And many actually find it easier to achieve orgasm through oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris than via intercouse alone. Getting on top can give you direct clitoral stimulation, as can your partner's hands, or you can try incorporating a vibrator during sex.

"My partner's lovemaking skills desperately need improvement. How do I tell him without bruising his ego?"

What you should know:

Telling someone you love that his bedroom skills are less-than-stellar isn't exactly the easiest thing to do. But honesty goes a long way in a relationship. Tracey Cox, sexpert and author ofSupersex, offers these tips:

"Start by telling your partner what they're doing right before moving on to what they're doing wrong. Talk about what you want more of in bed, not less," says Cox. It helps to make a list of things that you want more of in bed versus things that you want less off. Why? Saying what you hate isn't going to help much unless you suggest something you'd like him to do instead. If he's still not getting it right, use your hands to guide him hand or hips to where you'd like them to go.

"I'm happy with my sex life, but sometimes all I want is just getting it on solo.

What you should know:

That's perfectly normal! And here's the bonus you'd be happy to know: Studies show that married women who get it on solo tend to be more satisfied sexually and emotionally. "If you think about it, masturbation represents the perfect touch -- you know exactly where to touch, how to touch, and how much to touch," says Sallie Foley, MSW, co-author of Sex Matters for Women. "Emotionally, masturbation may not compete with the joy of making love to your partner, but that doesn't mean that masturbation can't be enjoyed in its own right."

"He's too big/small."

What you should know:

Some practical tips from Cox: If he's too big, use lots of lube and plenty of foreplay. Choose a position that doesn't allow deep penetration: Female-on-top, so you can control the depth of his thrusts, or side-by-side facing each other, with your upper leg resting over his hips.

If he's on the small side, try the missionary position with a pillow under your butt and your legs wrapped around his shoulders for deeper penetration.

"Married sex seems to be synonymous with sex rut."

What you should know:

For many married couples, sex over time ends up on autopilot, but it doesn't have to be! A little change in your bedroom routine is a surefire fix for stale sex. Try experimenting with alternative sex positions for instance: "Being on top, underneath, or beside your partner; facing him or away from him -- each of these options affords variations in what you see, where you can touch and be touched, and how your body is stimulated," says Sallie Foley. Note: Acrobatic stunts not required -- just check out these nooky positions that add a new twist to your old favorites!

Another simple way to spice up your nookie sessions is to blindfold each other. "There's an element of surprise," says Cox, which takes 'routine' out of the equation. You can't see where he's headed next, until you feel his hand caressing your neck or feel his lips on the inside of your thigh when you least expected it.

"I'd love to experiment with toys and role playing. But I'm afraid my guy will find me weird."

What you should know:

Relax. You're not alone. Everyone has his or her own sexual fantasies and "not only is it normal, but it's also healthy," says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., sex counsellor and author of He Comes Next. Too shy to spill your desires to your partner? Try exchanging a list of things you'd like to try and what is off-limits.

From there you can open up about your fantasies. Start out slowly and sensitively and then build up over time to some of the edgier ones, says Bobbi Dempsey, author of The Everything Great Sex Book. "Keep a healthy perspective on what is doable and what is not." With a little creativity, some outfits/props, you can act out virtually any roles, whether it's student/teacher, boss/secretary or naughtier ones.

"With three young children in the house, it's so hard to find time for sex."

What you should know:

No time for nice, slow bedroom sessions? Hot-and-heavy quickie sex is just as intense. The trick to getting it on in half the time: Start by doing things that make you feel sexy (wear a lacy lingerie, play your favorite romantic CD) and have a lubricant and vibrator on hand to speed things up.